I am not alone is all I kept hearing in my head while crying at the alter. Although, this is beautiful it took me some time to make it this far. To get past peoples views and judgement and to fully surrender and bow to God. Before I knew it I was crying out to God and moaning. My tears was flowing my spirit being renewed. Through every word of the worship music I was being ministered to. My heart shouted out to God, not just about my fears, but my doubts and disbelief. As I continued to cry something shifted. No longer was I crying about me, but about Gods' goodness. I wept hard because of all his grace and mercy. I no longer cared about the crowd behind me all I wanted to do is give my all to God in complete surrender. The bible verse were the lady anointed Jesus with oil and the disciples didn't understand was revealed to me by a young lady during praise and worship. She explained how everyone else may not understand my praise and tears to God, but Jesus does! I was timid and nervous to shout out to God because until she read Matthew 26:7-10 I shook off every fear that was holding me back from God and did what was needed for my revival.
I had sat in doubt and fear for the past 6 months. I didn't know if my God was real anymore…. I feared I was just imagining a God and the one I served wasn’t real. I prayed many days and nights for a revelation or direction. I was fearful that I would no longer serve him or I would walk away from my faith altogether. When I found myself feeling so far away from God I would think "have I already walked away"? At a time my belief in God was so sparse, I began to believe we didn't have to look to Him anymore just live life to our personal desires, but after a few months of that my spirit new there had to be something more. I put away all the false doctrines and said Lord "I will walk with you again". I hoped and prayed for words or direction. Plenty times I would shout to God and say "I am barely hanging on". I would spend many days alone and hurt. My heart was seeking for a God that I couldn't see or sense. Everything was suspect. Like, where are you? 6 months in the dessert and I need water.. I won't make it much longer Lord.. I am needing you to send the rain. I am needing you to send something that is going to save my life from my own destruction ahead. I had been without God's presence or touch for so long that I began to think I made up everything and maybe I was following a facade that I had made up in my mind all along.
Until one day I got word that the Burn Wagon (Praise & Worship Revival) was taking place in Guthrie, Oklahoma 15 miles from my university. I got the news earlier that morning and was eager to go. Not, really knowing what to expect. I told God I was expecting Revival with Him. The experience was life changing. The praise and worship broke chains off of me. The painting allowed my creativity be released. The music allowed me to shout and praise as loud as I desired. Before I knew it I was getting visions and revelations. Whatever gate that had been closed to God was now opened. In this time I felt overwhelmed in his presence that I would began to cry sporadically. I didn't know exactly why, but I knew the praise was purging me.
This experience revealed to me God is always on time. In my most devastating time God sent his word, power, peace, truth, love, encouragement, and inspiration. Every so often random people would walk up to me and speak into my life. I felt as if they were reading pages out of my journal. God sent his people to encourage me and to see that I was never alone. Even in the valley God was always there. 6 months of nothing I fought to hold on to my faith and one day all my doubts and fears came tumbling to the ground.
This day I knew God was real. I had finally got my answers I had been desperately waiting on and I finally knew what the touch of God felt like again. If you have ever felt alone just know that you have never been. God is still with you, even in your most loneliest, depressed moments God is near. His grace is their in triumph and tragedy.
No matter how long in the valley God is with you always. Press into Him and watch your faith be restored!
- The Awakened Daughter
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