Lying on the light pink couch with my little dog and feeling stressed. An overload of things to do, but for some reason, I can’t do any of them. Like, put the laundry away, respond to an email, read five chapters of my classwork and complete the questions, take my dog outside, get a workout, figure out dinner, take a shower, and many more things.
I felt defeated by life. I tried to do it all and stay on track, but now I was sinking and feeling it. Deadlines I had forgotten about, to-dos that kept being put off, and I'm lying here overwhelmed.
Until I remembered that this very couch I am lying on, I prayed for.
The dog that needed to be taken outside, I prayed for.
The clothes in the dryer, I prayed for.
The apartment that needs to be cleaned, I prayed for.
The list of to-dos were things I once was praying for.
I realized that day lying on my couch that the issue wasn’t the prayers that were answered, it was the feelings I had connected with them.
I felt like a failure because I couldn't balance.
I felt like a failure because my clothes still hadn’t been put away.
I felt like a failure because I had a list of things to do for my ministry and I couldn’t get to them all.
The feeling of being a failure had me stuck, indecisive, and unable to move forward.
Everything seemed off. I couldn’t shake this feeling that I was missing the mark in every area of my life. Until I realized that the mark will be missed sometimes, but Jesus is the one that helps us reach it.
It made sense that I was lying on the couch, frustrated, upset, and feeling overwhelmed. God was no longer my source. I realized that I hadn’t prayed for help, I hadn't looked past my problems and decided to love on, or pour into someone else.
When God is no longer our source, we become it, and we burn out, we fail, we get weary, we get overwhelmed, and we begin to crash. However, when God is our source, He will whisper to us that it’s okay to rest or just take on the task that He deems most important and start there.
When we lose our source, we lose our sense of self and purpose. We get foggy in our decisions, we doubt ourselves and God's ability in us. Today, I pray that when the winds of life come crashing against you, may you stand strong, not by your own strength, but by depending on the source that has brought you this far.
And maybe you are standing in the exact season you’ve been praying for; it now only requires more of your faith in God to get through it.
"…’Not by might nor by power, but by My Spirit,’ saith the Lord of hosts."