Sitting on my mother’s porch, sticky from the summer heat, while birds are whistling all around, and the light breeze rustles the trees. I’ve learned through all these seasons of life not to run from the pain, but to use it.
It was always in my darkest, most hurtful moments that I've gotten the momentum needed to complete a task. When my childhood dog Sebastian died, that same night I wrote an entire book. When a friend lost her baby boy, that evening I wrote the “Choose Her” eBook. When my heart was broken and lost, I’ve created some of my best content online.
I’ve learned to use the pain to fuel me to do what I've been called to do. I’ve learned that the broken can relate to the broken, the fearful can connect to the fearful. For the past five months without the world knowing, I have been in a secret battle, fighting mindset and fears all around. Fighting the tragedies in my life while still showing up week after week on YouTube© to empower you.
When I felt like I had no power left, I thought of you. The one who needed that word. The one who needed to be encouraged. When I felt like giving up and walking away from the call, your face, your needs, and your heart called me back.
I know they say God gives his biggest battles to his strongest warriors, but in these past few months, I've felt anything but strong; I've felt weaker than ever before, I've found myself so lost and hopeless. Many nights I cried myself to sleep and wondered why God would put me through even more hurt. Some nights I just wanted to run from my pain, but instead of running to my old vices, like drinking and sex, I ran to my ministry. The only place I understood or felt safe was the ministry.
My world was falling apart and no one could save me. I sat in the middle of a deep sorrow that was taking me under. My heart was broken, my faith was shaken, and somehow I needed to come online week after week and empower you.
I would break down, then record a YouTube video like the breakdown never happened. I would cry all night then get on a morning Zoom© meeting like nothing happened. Over and over again I was living out this reality I never wanted for myself. I was angry at people, I was hurt, I was lost, and I was mad at God.
I shouted at Him, “What more do you want from me?” I’ve given up everything, sex, men, drinking, sororities, friendships, and more. I was hurt that even in all my giving God still took something from me, something I loved. My hurt fueled my anger and the anger fueled a discord with God and others.
My life seemed pointless, no more joy, the sunny days were so far away, and every wound and void that I thought was healed were staring me in the face. The exes, the daddy-issues, the abandonment issues, all left me wounded, curled up in a fetal position on the floor, hurt once more by someone I loved.
I took the blows, and when the house came crashing down, somehow I was still in it. Today I am still dealing with the aftermath of that earthquake. I feel the shocks in my body at times. I still feel the anxiety and hurt spur up. The sting of pain hit me in random moments to where my eyes water and I’m sitting there in a pool of hurt. But even in all of that, I am getting better because I'm not running from it any longer, but using it to make me get closer to God and better my relationship with Him.
At first it made me run, it made me question God, it made me wonder. But now it makes me surrender, all that I don’t understand or comprehend, it makes me let go. Let go of the anger, the hurt, the questions, the pains of “why?”, and the real trauma from it all.
It took five months, but now I'm here and finally I can see the light. I will come out better, and I hope you use every pain to make yourself better in the Lord, use every hurt to go beyond what you’ve seen thus far…
I know it’s hard, but allow God to Use the Pain. He knows what He is Doing!
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD."